Why do we People Please? 

This is something that I’ve been struggling with for years. Ever since I was a child, I have had the constant need to feel like I’m taking care of other people’s needs. When this happens, I tend to neglect my own. Lately, I’ve noticed the consistent feeling of depletion and the underlying feeling of being taken advantage of. 

Underlying causes of people-pleasing:

1. Having the need to be liked and accepted.
2. Feeling like you have a lot to prove. 
3. Being afraid to say no.
4. You may be a helpful and good-hearted person, and it’s hard to set limits.
5. You try to avoid conflict at all costs. 
6. Being in a co-dependent relationship.

Growing up, I tended to react according to the atmosphere around me. Being a sensitive person, I was very careful with people’s feelings and was willing to help anyone who needed it. The thought of giving people what they wanted to give me hope to keep the peace and diffuse whatever harsh situations were at hand. 

I was a nervous little girl who walked on eggshells because of the reactions of my parents. I thought my mother yelled a lot, so trying to make sure that there was nothing to get in trouble with prevented me from getting yelled at. It subconsciously became a part of my everyday.

My stepfather tended to be mean and would ignore me when he didn’t get his way with things. Being the “good-little girl” and doing whatever I was asked gave me a sense of false security that he would give me what I needed as a little girl, no matter how boundary-crossing his actions were. Sadly, not dealing with the underlying issues has caused me to have these same problems as an adult.

Lessons I have learned:

1 . People-pleasing will cause you to feel resentment or frustration after a while.

2. There is a huge difference between caring and people-pleasing. Doing what people need you to, without getting anything in return is letting people take advantage. 

3. It’s OK to say no, even without an explanation.

4. Set healthy boundaries and stick to them. 

5. No matter how much you try, you cannot please everyone. 

6. If you’re tired and frustrated, you may need to take a step back and analyze the situation. 
7. Make sure you’re practicing self-care, and making sure you are thinking of what’s best for yourself. 

8. If you feel like you’re being taken advantage of, more than likely you are.