The Importance of Emotional Safety in Relationships: My Personal Experience

Safety is one of the most important things in a relationship. If a person doesn’t feel safe, then there is no way that their bond with another person can grow. It draws couples closer and gives a sense of security. Without it, there’s no way that a person will feel secure.

Safety is something that I haven’t felt in a long time. My partner made me feel many things, but safe wasn’t one of them. When we first got together, he made me believe that he would protect me from the world. I don’t think he realized that the only person that he should’ve been protecting me from was himself.

I started to question my emotional safety when I found out that he wasn’t faithful like I thought that he was. Not only was this betrayal, but it was a crack in the foundation of our relationship. It formed doubt and mistrust in the person who was supposed to be the leader of our household and my life partner.

When trust is broken, it’s so hard to regain. As much as I wanted to trust him again, I just couldn’t. As soon as I thought things would get better, something else would come along to break it again.

When someone is at their worst, their partner should shield them and help them. I didn’t feel that way. It was like he had a sense of gratification when I was at my lowest. The thrived off of it. It left me feeling like I couldn’t be vulnerable with or around him.

The constant dishonesty and sneakiness kept me feeling like I had to watch my back because I never knew what he was hiding from me. What would make things worse, is he would never admit to anything unless there was clear evidence that he couldn’t deny.

Being safe is knowing that your weaknesses won’t be used against you. There were many things that I struggled with and still struggle with. Instead of shielding me, I was belittled and made to feel like my worth was affected because of them.

A lack of safety for a long period can make a person believe that they are in constant danger. After years of not feeling safe, my mental health and physical well-being have been extremely affected. I have dealt with the worst anxiety of my life, as well as physical effects.

His anger would often scare me. It always felt like he was on the brink of exploding. His harshness and sharp tones would hurt me. At times he would talk to me like I was a random person that he didn’t know. I would often think that I was just too sensitive and maybe I was just taking things the wrong way. After time passed, I knew it wasn’t just me.

Some people don’t know that emotional safety is as important as physical safety. There’s something about being called out of my name and being talked to like I’m worthless that has made me feel like I was being physically attacked. It’s like being punched in the gut, but I felt it in my soul. Even though it wasn’t physical, the pain still pierced me deep.

Things in my relationship that made me feel unsafe:

Infidelity
Lying
Gaslighting
Name calling
Taking insecurities out on me.
Not protecting me from family members.
Not respecting my boundaries.
Sneakiness
Lack of integrity
Constant betrayal
Treating me like an enemy.
Belittling me and the things that I do.
Use my weaknesses against me.
Constantly shut me out, emotionally.

Things I learned from being in unsafe relationships:

It is better to be by yourself than be in a relationship that your partner makes you feel safe in.
A person who doesn’t respect your boundaries does not respect you as a person.
Love is an action. It doesn’t matter how much a person tells you they love you. If their actions tell you otherwise, then believe them.
Someone who consistently breaks your trust does not deserve to have it.
If a person really wants to change, it will be obvious.
Trust your intuition. Your body will react in different ways when you aren’t in a safe situation.
There’s nothing like having a peace of mind.
When you truly know your worth and how you deserve to be treated, you will no longer tolerate the disrespect.
It’s important to advocate for yourself.
A spouse or partner who wants to change will do the work.
There is no excuse for any type of abuse, including past trauma.
No relationship is worth sacrificing your mental and physical health for.
If someone makes you feel like you have to compete for their attention, then they don’t deserve to have yours.
It doesn’t matter how much you love someone and try to do right by them, it will not keep them from cheating.

One must realize that it doesn’t matter how much they think they’re protecting their partner from the outside. If they aren’t protecting them from the darkest parts of themselves, then their partner isn’t safe.

(This video is a great example of how important safety is in a relationship.)