“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All the unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest.

Grief is just love with no place to go.”

-Jamie Anderson

These past few weeks have been so emotion-packed. Since leaving, all of my feelings that felt suppressed for such a long time, have been returning in full-force. The emotion that I’ve been struggling with the most is grief.

The thing that hurts the most about separating from my husband of 12 years is, not everything about our relationship was bad. We have had some real moments of excitement, fun, and passion. We have so many memories that go back to our teenage years.

The thing about our relationship that kept me holding on is the way that he made me feel like a queen in one second, but then turn around and make me feel like the scum of the earth in another. It really put my mind through a whirlwind.

When we first got together, I knew that he had a past, and there were things that made me question if he was ready for a relationship. There were times in the past where he aggressively pursued me, but then ghosted me in the next few days. That left me with the impression that he wasn’t ready for a commitment.

When the opportunity presented itself to give a relationship another chance, I was excited to see where it would go. We started dating and things progressed very fast. After nine months of dating, I found out that I was pregnant.

I didn’t know if he was going to stay or not, and the fear of abandonment was strong. When I told him, he seemed happy and he told me that he was going to marry me. We got married two months later. I knew that our marriage wouldn’t be perfect, but I was ready to make it work and I would love him through our struggles.

After all that I’d been through in my last relationship, I felt that he was the man of my dreams. He was my first love and he made me feel so safe, in the beginning. I knew his past with other women wasn’t squeaky clean, but I believed that he loved me and would never disrespect me like he’d done other women.

Now, I see how naive I was. I gave myself completely to a person without any questions or hesitation. I gave my trust so fully and turned a blind eye to certain red flags that I saw. I thought that if I loved him with all of my heart, he would love me, stay faithful, and never hurt me.

I also see where my vulnerabilities led me astray. There were deep wounds and unhealed childhood trauma that left me feeling unsafe and longing to be loved. I was a young single mother with two toddlers, who felt so unsafe. I was also wounded from the past abuse that I’d endured from people who I thought loved me.

Something that I know know, is, I had a distorted view of reality. I put him on a pedestal and made an alternate reality that wasn’t even real. The person who I made him out to be was not the person that he truly was.

It’s been two weeks since we haven’t been in the same house, and I miss him. I miss the happy moments that we’ve had. I’m grieving the loss of the “idea” of what we could have been.

When we got married, I never in a million years imagined that we would be where we are now. I never wanted to go through anything like this. I never wanted my children to be raised with parents in two different households.

I’m grieving all of those promises that were made but never kept. It hurts my soul that I wasn’t enough for him to change and be the husband that I needed. I have completely lost myself in this relationship.

Some things that I’ve learned in this:

• Trust your intuition. If you are sensing that something is going on, there’s a good chance that there is. There were many times that I had a gut feeling that my husband wasn’t being honest or faithful. Many times I would ignore these feelings, but when I found the proof, it was shocking.

• Question everything. If there is something that does not make sense, get answers. I’m learning that the questions that I have are valid, and if they can’t be answered truthfully, there is a reason for it.

• Set healthy boundaries and stick to them. People who truly love you will respect them. It came to a point where I had to get tired of being disrespected, and for my own safety and care, I had to set limits that I had to sick to.

• Actions speak louder than words. It doesn’t matter how much someone tells you something; what they do and how they live will always tell the truth. He has a way with his words that really had me convinced that he was in love and cared for me. But the way that he disrespected me time after time showed me how he really felt. It was up to me to believe the truth and get out of denial.

• When you truly love yourself, then you won’t allow people to continually disrespect you. I had to do some deep reflection about why I’ve allowed people to mistreat me. A lot of it has to do with the wounds that I have within myself that I need to work on.

• Love is a verb. It doesn’t matter how much someone tells you that they love you. If they continue to mistreat you, then they don’t know what true love is.

• Find ways to heal from your trauma. Unhealed trauma will keep you stuck and will keep you from growing. In dealing with the grief from this relationship, it has brought up things in my past that I didn’t know still affected me. That means that I still need to work on these things.

• When someone shows you how they feel about you, believe them. I am learning that when someone truly loves you, then they will treat you like they do. People that truly have your best interest at heart will not tear you down.

In closing, trying to manage this grief has been so difficult. Some things that have been helping are:

• Being a part of group therapy. Being a part of a group of women led by a licensed professional has helped me realize that I am not alone. Everyone is dealing with tough situations and we all are trying to get through it.

• Listening to uplifting music. When my mind wants to linger and go down a dark path, listening to positive words through music has been keeping me grounded.

• Praying and venting to God. He knows what I’m going through and He is the only one who can help me.

• Writing. Expressing my deep thoughts through writing helps me to get out the feelings that have been suppressed for so long.

• Going for a long walk or exercising. These things help to get out the stress and tension in my body. It also gives me a burst of energy when I’m done.

• Self-care. Getting my health back on track, through eating the right things and getting the things that I need are essential to this healing journey.