“You don’t get to tell people how to love you; you get to choose if you want to participate in the way they love.”
― Iyanla Vanzant

This weekend I made a choice that will change the entire course of my life. I moved me and my children out of our home. It is one of the hardest decisions that I’ve ever had to make.

I chose to stay in a marriage that had been breaking me down physically and mentally because I’d had hope that things would get better. Even after the infidelity, disrespect, and deceit, I didn’t have the courage to go. Not only that, but I didn’t believe that I had the strength to be a single mother again, and the fear of putting my children through any extra trauma of separation was too much to bear. The thing is, choosing to stay in such an unhealthy relationship has already done so much damage, and my children have already been affected.

A few weeks ago, we had an explosive blow up, and he’d called me words that I never thought he would call me. Don’t get me wrong, when I heard those attacks, his pride was fair game. But, even in that moment of anger, I still couldn’t say all of the things that I wanted to say, out of fear of harming him. Those words cut me like a knife.

It astonished me how words felt like a physical attack. They pierced my soul, and I knew that there was no coming back from them. Even when he said that he didn’t mean to say them, and he was “in it for the long haul,” I knew that I couldn’t continue to live in this toxic relationship and be okay. Even with all that’s happened, I still couldn’t shake the reality that I couldn’t do things on my own.

The day that I knew that I would no longer justify staying anymore and I had to take action was the day that my son told me that he was no longer comfortable coming home. He expressed that my husband was negatively talking to him about me. He said that it makes him so uncomfortable that he didn’t want my husband to pick him up from work anymore.

That was all I had to hear. That day, none of the fear of the unknown or uncertainty mattered to me. It was about the mental health and wellness of my children. It’s one thing to cause chaos in our marriage, but to put extra stress on the children because you’re in your feelings. That crosses a line that you can’t come back from.

So here I am. Breaking away from a 12-year marriage with a man who I thought that I would grow old with. As uncomfortable and devastating as this is, I know that my peace and health is worth saving. The wellness of my children is my first priority.

In this time of uncertainty, I’m choosing to think of the positive that can come out of this transition:

1. I can take the steps to heal from all of the trauma that I have dealt with in this relationship.
2. I can focus on what the children need.
3. We can have a peaceful environment without strife and tension.
4. I can rebuild what I have lost.
5. I am choosing to trust God with all my heart for our needs.

“You can never love anyone to your own detriment. That is not love, that is possession, control, fear, or a combination of them all.”
― Iyanla Vanzant